1/17/11

45


Warning, I'm all over the place this morning, so if you make it to the end of this post, you probably deserve a freakin medal, or at least some cake or something.

I've answered so many Happy Day wishes that my hands are cramped, wow, that pretty much makes me one of the luckiest girls alive! Nothing like turning another year older to remind you how truly blessed in life with beautiful family and friends you are!

A birthday card came from my mom yesterday with a letter enclosed that brought me to my emotional knees. I think deep down in our hearts we all long for the day when our parents confirm that they love us for the people that we have grown into and not just as their children. She has not always appreciated the way I have lived my life, always wishing that I would have taken an easier road, but the things that once left her scratching her head and shaking her fist are now things that she has come to appreciate and love in a weird and ironic sort of way. I won't share her words here, but rest assured she has reassured me about so many things that I have wondered the majority of my life.
So anyway, I sit here, still in my pajamas, mulling a few things over in my scrambled little brain. For some reason a comment from a friend does not rest easy, "what is it that makes you always crave emotional reassurance 24/7?" It really hits home and I'm left wondering what the hell and why the hell and how can I fix it and make it not so. And... and... and... What is it that's not right in my heart or head that makes me need that from others instead of relying on myself for it? Always jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst, what makes a person do that? It takes a HUGE effort for me to take a deep breath and get back to good with my thinking where all that's concerned. Huge conscious effort to stop dead in my insecure tracks and remember that I'm good enough exactly the way I am and if someone doesn't appreciate that, then I don't need them in my life. And it's the same for you too, you are good enough, always have been and always will be. But at least I'm actually stopping in my tracks and remembering that, because it wasn't always so, big strides in small steps, that's how it goes sometimes I guess.
In the end, when I lay my head down tonight, the good of this day will have far outshone everything else. My daughter made me a wonderful breakfast, coffee filled my favorite mug, lots of hugs and kisses from my favorite 6 year old, well wishes from tons and tons of family and friends, and the sound of an incredibly gorgeous man singing happy birthday to me over the phone first thing this morning... it's a good day!

4 comments:

susan said...

Love you girl.....just the way you are....hugs

whitey said...

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”
Og Mandino

I had cake for breakfast and it is not my birthday! I love people who have struggled through life to see where they have been and how far they have gone, you are one of those. You are stronger for it even if you think you are not. I am amazed of your strength at times.

tiffany said...

Bottom line, y'all totally ROCK!

40 said...

I'm rather speechless, my dear. I would NEVER describe you as being the way your friend does.

You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made and your constant search for your authentic self without fear of judgement has always been an amazing quality that I've always admired.

xxoo