Monkey on my back

As we settle into the new year, I lay here thinking with a twisted mind. A conversation plays out daily in this house, usually initiated by myself: please don't let this turn into every other relationship, please don't turn into every other man. Sometimes there are tears, sometimes voices are louder than they should be.
And then it hits me today, that what I took away from my previous relationship of 15 years, what I thought was dead and buried, has begun to surface from the grave and rear it's ugly vicious head. When I left that relationship two years ago, I took absolutely nothing with me except the inability to trust one single person, regardless of the fact that this or that person undoubtedly deserved all of my trust because they hadn't proven otherwise.
In my mind, the tiniest little thing can set off a wave of panic that overtakes every single molecule in my heart and soul. Flooded with insecurities and jealousy, questions and doubt. Tragic how the mind can play tricks on you because of things that happened a lifetime ago. Seriously tragic.
I don't care what anyone says, you cannot control your feelings and thoughts. I don't buy that shit for a minute. Yes you can attempt to focus on other things, mindful thinking, blah blah blah... but the ugly issues are still there, just beneath the surface, waiting for their chance to pretty much ruin any chance of happiness that is afforded you.
Hello, my name is Tiffany, the monkey on my back goes by the name of Apparently Unresolved Issues.

1 comment:

whitey said...

That monkey is on my back now and then, sometimes it is hard to get him off.