one wish

Dear Santa,

If I could have anything in this world for Christmas this year, my one wish would be the ability to trust without fear. All I want is to know what it feels like just once in life. To know that there is just one thing in life that I can trust without doubting or worrying or wondering.
I'm not sure at what age, or what the circumstances were, when I learned about not trusting. Must have been pretty young, because I still remember being 12 and not trusting one single soul. I thought I was just being tough and independent but the reality of it was just that I knew that as far as relying on anyone, I was pretty much shit out of luck. So I grew a hard heart and learned to rely on myself and no one else.
I have loved and been loved in life, but never trusted it to not break my heart. How sad is that? It became a game of proving myself and others right, that you just can't love without being hurt.
But I'm tired now.... tired of a hard heart and spending life in fight or flight mode.
So Santa, just this once I would like to take the gloves off and step out of the ring and trust that everything is really going to be okay. Thank you.

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