Forty-five years and some odd days, every.single.day. I have focused obsessively on how my life fits in with others. What I can do to make others happy, how do I keep from disappointing, how things that I did affected others... and I did not rest easy if there was even a hint of discord. Even if those others didn't think twice about me at all because they were too busy obsessing on how their lives fit in somewhere else.

I continuously solicit reassurance in one way or another. Reassurance that he loves me, or that she approves, or whatever the the case may be. And when I don't feel it, I let it send my life into a whirlwind of self-doubt and panic, jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst - and once again I don't rest easy.

Looking back on life, I know the reasons that these things happen, and why it's so difficult to stop them. It takes rethinking, retraining, focusing, motivation to change. And most of all trusting.

But today, it's different, because I will make it so. Today I will not worry about whether he loves me, or if she is disappointed in anything that I do. And should the worry start to creep up on me I will shut it out until I feel sure of myself again in the fact that this is my life and I will live it in the way that is best for me, or simply in the way that makes me happy. Nor will I worry about whether that makes me selfish or not. If so, then so be it, call me selfish. I deserve it after all these years of devoting every waking second to the opinion and desire for reassurance of others.

Don't ever offer your world up for everyone else but yourself to inhabit, leaving yourself lost and virtually non-existent. Make your world and your life your own. If others love you, they will come along for the ride, but the ship will sail when you are ready, not them.

Here's to day one of selfishness.


whitey said...

You are getting stronger! Love it.

tiffany said...

Thanks Whitey. I always thought I was strong, but really it was just surviving because there was no other option I guess. Now I am finally learning from all of those mistakes. Too bad it took me 45 years LOL