Here it is almost Thanksgiving, how did that even happen? Days grow cooler and slowly my focus comes back, I mean slooooowly. I've been so out of focus for so long, not wanting to admit it, always acting like I've got my shit together. I'd like to say that it's the time of year, man would I like to say that, but it's like this for me off and on all year long. There are good and focused days splattered here and there, but for the majority I spend lots of time wondering where and who I am and what's up and what am I supposed to be doing with my life and why am I not doing it already at the age of almost 45...
I am in the habit of procrastinating and letting days pass by without doing much of anything but dreaming and reading and writing.... anything that takes my mind away from reality is pretty high on my list.
In the habit of saying "I need to get my shit together", um yeah, whatever... this is about together as it's going to get, so I might need to start dealing with it and figuring out how to work with it or by the time I blink my eyes next I will be 90 and still saying "I always meant to get my shit together", pretty sad and pathetic if you ask me, or anyone else.
I think that, in all honesty, real life scares me to death. There, I said it. So I just shut it all out and live in my own little dreamworld because it's easier that way, I don't have to be focused or always happy there, or have my shit together...
I guess we really are all doing our part, bringing our own stuff to the table. Some of us bring words and pictures and imagination, and sometimes even sadness (okay a lot of times). And then there are others who bring their own stuff like clear heads and happiness and motivation. So in all reality we pretty much balance each other out when you think about it, or that's what I'm telling myself anyway... (yeah I know...)
So while I sit here and get a thrill out of kicking myself for not planning my life better or following through with any plans I might have actually made, I do know that it's not too late for a better tomorrow. Not too late to pay attention and stop dreaming so much, because those are things that I must do if I want to live the second half of my life with purpose and not fly by the seat of my pants like the last half. Because really, who the hell wants to be that sad 90 year old woman that sits around saying "I always meant to get my shit together"?
P.S. I miss my dog...
3 comments:
wow I am almost 56 and still wondering what I am going to be when I grow up! Hang in there like you say there is always tomorrow.
I AM 56 and wondering when I'm going to get my shit together. I was just thinking about that this morning.
I wonder if anyone ever thinks, "Boy. Do I have my shit together!"
Hmmmm, maybe all three of us actually have our shit together and just don't realize it. lol I guess in the end, all that really matters most is that we loved as deep as we were able and were loved back, can't take much else to the grave with us...
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