without hesitation

Today begins a new summer month, July. A new day, complete with rain to wash the old away and freshen everything up. For summer in Texas, a time when not much water falls from the sky, things are really quite green, considering. I'm enjoying being back home so much, the excitement in little things has not worn off and I hope it continues this way. All day, every day, I notice things that I never noticed before leaving eight years ago. I guess sometimes you really do have to go away to appreciate what you had at home. 
Tomorrow's my brother's birthday, I miss him a lot... We never talk anymore and that does not settle well with my heart, because there's a space there that only a brother can fill and his is all but empty right now. I want my whole heart back.
I feel some changes coming my way, in fact they've already begun to take place and things are moving forward just fine. It's real hard not to put all of your eggs in one basket sometimes when you KNOW that that basket was made special just for you. Go slow they all tell me, don't jump in head first others say... But let me just say this: sometimes you don't have a choice but to jump head first, sometimes you just have to take that chance because there's no other option. I'm so tired of living with caution and walls and hesitation, taking the wrong roads that lead me nowhere but a place called trouble and misery. I am no stranger to heartbreak, been through some pretty rough shit over and over again starting at a real early age. Granted lots of it was self-induced, but still... 
So this time, I'm throwing caution to the wind, giving it my all, loving unconditionally and without hesitation, and doing my best to give much more than I receive. I mean really, what do I have to lose, I've lost it all and am still here to tell about it. 
So I'll enjoy the ride instead of worrying about all the bumps in the road, I'll deal with those when I get to them. I'm wiser and more patient than I've ever been before and am feeling happier and more myself than ever. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is ok to dive in head first as long as you hold my hand. I want you to know my hand is always there to pull, to drag, to lift and to just hold.
I love ya